I was moved by the openness, honesty, and longing that Danielle Pergament talks about in her June blog post below. So I’ve copied from lemondrop.com. I write about this longing in my book, of fathers who leave a gaping hole in their daughters’ hearts. That hole can’t be filled from the outside; it needs to be healed from the inside out, and that is hard. I know that from experience.
Were You Born to Cheat?
“During the winter before my wedding, I was on assignment in Sicily, where I met Diego, a photojournalist with black hair, a scruffy beard, and warm brown eyes that could liquefy concrete. He was my guide in Palermo, driving me around the city on his motorcycle. On my last day, as we stood in a bombed-out cathedral — him talking about World War II, me trying to focus on his words — he started inching closer. Another inch. Then a fraction more, and he was in my personal space. The slightest gesture from me would have been an invitation. I froze. I was madly in love with my fiancee, so what the hell was I doing?
The desire to cheat is hardly a new emotion for me. In fact, I can fairly say that if you’ve dated me, there’s a pretty good chance I was unfaithful. (I’m really sorry!) You might even call me a natural-born cheater — and I think I get it from my father.
My Father, My self
Henry Pergament was a businessman, entrepreneur and chemistry genius. By the time I was born, he’d raised several fortunes and had two families and half a dozen children in and out of wedlock. I have memories from my childhood that I wish I didn’t: One night when I was about 10, I was at dinner with my sister, my father and his friend Mike. I overheard my dad say, “What have I been up to? What men are up to when they’re not with their wives.”
Daily life in my family found my sisters, my mother and me running around the house like it was a disrupted anthill, my father somewhere off-screen. He worked hard and was often in absentia. But as I started to understand the adult world in increments, I wondered: Was he with another woman when he could be home teaching me to take a picture/drive a stick shift/make potato pancakes?
In the fall of 1991, I flew back to boarding school in California from our home in New York; my father had driven me to the airport. Once at my dorm, I called home, and my mother sounded strange on the phone: “Your father never came home.” He’d hugged me at the United terminal, then gotten in his car and driven all the way to Arizona, to his mistress. I remember thinking, How could he not tell me he wasn’t coming back?
But then he did come back. A few months later, he showed up at my graduation — tan, fit, wearing a linen suit, his white hair longer than I’d ever seen it. I never spoke to him about his family sabbatical.
My father died 10 years ago and, to be fair, he was a great deal more than his infidelities. He had a Dickensian childhood — raised in an orphanage, knew only poverty, never dreamed of going to college. He was highly intelligent (he invented film-processing systems that revolutionized photography), generous and so handsome that Catherine Deneuve flirted with him and Audrey Hepburn tried to buy him a drink. (He declined. I never learned why.) I take after my father in many ways — I got his dark eyes, his hot temper, his taste for burned toast. And I understand why he cheated: There wasn’t enough love in the world to make up for what he’d missed as a child. I just wish I wasn’t doomed to repeat it.”
How did your father shape you?
I am looking at this question deeply in my life right now. I never knew my birth father. Except that he loved to ski and was on the US ski team at the end of the 50′s I love skiing, it comes natural to me. A bliss comes over me when I am in deep powder only another skier can understand. My mom married a different man, convincing him to save her from disgrace. I gathered he was a better choice with his college degree and engineering job over the ski instructor fling at Sun Valley as a college student of 19. My step-in father resented me and never bonded. I didn’t know till last year the reason he with held love and found him confusing. detached, angry, distant and unpredictable except that his interactions with me would always result in deep shame. He beat me brutally as a young baby when left alone with me until my mom discovered this and put a stop to this by never again leaving me alone with him and threatening to do unmentionables to him in his sleep if he continued to physically abuse me.
She must have been convincing since he never hit me again, instead he dampened his rage to verbal abuse. I was terrified of him. No wonder. To finally understand this story and the PSTD in my life was to begin to turn it around on a deeper level. I now understand his pain and suffering. His lack of love and emotional distortions of himself was his living hell till he died. He just did not have any developed emotional maturity and passed on his pain to us. He escaped into alcoholism and never left it. When he died several years ago I did not cry. None of his children did. I was enraged by his death. Pissed off to the max. He never ever tried to make amends though all of us kids tried to reach him over and over. At the time of his death I still didn’t know the historical facts as it took till last year for my mom to come forward. His lack of love and support drove me into therapy and in search of healing and relief from the trigger points of trauma. I have 30 years of hard inner work to show for this.
I am blessed deeply by life. The men now in my life are whole, loving, balanced and supportive. Men in their hearts. Including a beloved life partner. I now see the repetitive cycle in my maternal women’s lineage inherited and passed on that repeated my mom’s choices. And yes. I had a daughter but did not marry. A cycle unconsciously repeated. It would have been a serious mistake to inflict on my daughter to continue in relationship with the person that helped make her. I left before it could get worse. (and sadly this man did get much worse without us in his life) But I just did not know I was continuing a cycle. If I had known, would it have made a difference?
What I have is right now. I do know and I can see this knowledge and understanding assist me heal. I shared this story with my adult daughter to help her understand the generations of this cycle that she is a part of. I wanted her to be conscious of it. Maybe it will heal with her choices going forward. I will have to be patient and see what comes. She also shares in having connection and support with the positive men in our lives now. Men I find deep trust with, that are my friends, my life partner. One difficult day my beloved life partner pointed this out and I was able to climb out of the abyss on this view of grace and start again while keeping the perspective of this gift in my life. So I am blessed. As men step into their hearts and strive to find the centers of being here with integrity and sharing this with the women in their lives. I find this brings me great hope for the healing and evolution of humanity and our earth. Blessed be. And thank you.
This was a very soulful, and moving, post that you left. Thank you for the extraordinary self disclosure. You are among the lucky who climbed “above the water line.” It’s a metaphor I use for those who are born into circumstances beyond their control, and very sadly it’s like being born into an iceberg, that big part that’s below the water line. And through your hard work, tenacity, and grace you brought yourself above the surface, into the light. You are indeed among the blessed. Thank you again for your sharing. Share your light with as many others as you can.
A little rationality lifts the quality of the debate here. Thanks for cnotributnig!
Excellent goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely wonderful. I really like what you have acquired here, really like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it sensible. I cant wait to read far more from you. This is actually a terrific web site.
Superb post but I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this subject? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Thanks!
You have brought up a very fantastic points , regards for the post.
I’m astounded at how easy you make this topic look via your articles, but I must admit I still don’t quite have an understanding of it.
It seems too complicated and extremely exhaustive for me personally.
Still, I’m keen to see what you have to say in following posts: hopefully I’ll be able to
grasp it sooner or later.