A radio station in Milwaukee, Wisconsin asked me for my thoughts on Arnold Schwarzenegger and his daughters.
First, the whole thing is tragic. The media circus only makes it worse. I can’t imagine being a young woman in her late teens or early twenties and going through this. Can you?
A few things stood out for me though as I talked with John Mercure of WTMJ.
How will the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his mistress shape his daughters’ views about men?
That’s hard to say, but it certainly won’t bolster their views. Dads are larger than life for daughters when they’re young. Arnold and Maria’s daughters aren’t kids any more, but Arnold was larger than life. Mr. Olympia. Mega-movie star. Governor. He was an icon worldwide, and hopefully a hero to his daughters as they were growing up. That fantasy is over now.
His daughters didn’t just lose the only family they’d known. They’re undoubtedly going through feelings of betrayal, on top of the disappointment, anger and hurt. Will they have long-term trust issues with men? I don’t know. Had he blown up his marriage ten years ago, the emotional damage would have been greater. But even though his daughters are young women now, I can’t help but feel for them. This has to really, really hurt. And the “collateral damage” to his wife, their sons, and the son of his former house staffer is hard to imagine.
How does the way a father treats his wife affect his daughters?
It paints a mosaic for what daughters come to know as the normal marriage. Fathers, through how they husband, create what daughters have an appreciation for in partners.
Music might be a good metaphor. Say you grow up listening to classical music & developing an appreciation for it. Then say you move in with a partner who grew up with nothing but punk rock. Now magnify that by 1,000 and that’s how much impact our family dynamics have on us.
As the stories in my book show, patterns tend to repeat themselves, whether loving relationships or abusive relationships.
Will it forever influence their relationship with their dad?
Yes; it either confirms rumors the daughters have heard and suspicions they may have held. Or it rocks their foundation like a mega-quake if it’s completely news. But their father is forever changed in their eyes. Forever.
Can their relationship with their dad be repaired, and how?
Yes, but it will be difficult. Partly it depends on the quality of relationship they’ve had to date, and whether this is for his daughters “the last straw” or an exception to otherwise devoted fathering.
The onus obviously is on Arnold, and he has to begin by acknowledging his transgressions and the pain they have caused. He has some very heavy lifting to do, unlike any he’s ever done before.
I’d venture to say any child growing up in a family with secrets and infidelities is aware of the rifts, the lack of resoect and genuine lovw. The news of an affair only validates what children already sense, or know without knowing thay know.
I read that Schwarzenegger’s children took care of themselves right after the story broke: a daughter fled to Paris and a son immediately changed his surname to Shriver. They could not have done that had their relationships with dad been close and loyal and admiring.
The damage was done a long time ago.