It’s Labor Day, and if fatherhood isn’t a labor of love, nothing is. Where can men get training for this kind of labor? Since my book was published, I’ve been arguing that the place for men to go to learn fatherhood is to women. That’s right, women–at least if we’re raising daughters.
I received a privileged education listening to daughters from around the world. Regardless of whether or not they’d been formally educated, they were great teachers.
Avide, for example, had no formal education beyond high school. Adopted and then abused by her father, she has struggled for much of her life. She was just coming out of homelessness when she met. She, and other “uneducated” women carried profound wisdom. Here were her thoughts on what she would share with any new father:
“A relationship is really important and every child wants to have
that relationship with their father. No matter what job or stress they’re going through, having good quality time is more important than making money and having the best stuff in the house, because that’s just material stuff. The relationship is more important.
“I’d tell them to help their daughters with when they get into a
relationship with a man. And if the father would bring the child to church or have some kind of relationship with God that’s important, as well. Also for the father to teach the daughter what to look forward to in a husband, so that way they will know what kind of person they would want to marry.
“And even if they don’t like whatever hobbies the daughter has, he
should find what her interests are in hobbies or crafts or what her dreams are, to ask those questions before she moves out. Just the importance of having that relationship before they move out of the house, so she will be able to trust in men in general. Spend time, good quality time in hanging out with their friends and getting to know who their friends are, so you can protect them from somebody that would be smoking or drinking.”
I’d encourage any man who wants to better understand how to
raise daughters to do what I did, even if it’s more abbreviated: Talk with women about what they long for that they didn’t get from their dads while growing up, or what they did get and treasure.
One of the great lessons I learned was that small things make the big
difference. When I asked daughters about their most memorable moments with their dads, wasn’t thunderstruck by monumental events or gifts. Instead, I heard about how much these women relished the simple one-on-one time their dads gave them.
Bergin grew up during the Great Depression, and remembered so fondly how her dad would take her to his garage workshop every night after dinner. They had no money, but he took her to parades whenever there was one in town. She remembered the absurd things like her dad putting her in the bell of his tuba and playing it, and how it felt as the air lifted her little dress. She still has a picture of herself as a three or four-year-old girl inside her dad’s tuba while he’s playing it.
Denise’s dad too her on his part-time garbage route, and she remembers how important she felt riding in the garbage truck. Same thing when he took her to demolition derbies. A lot of women remember going to sporting events with their dads, or simply playing catch in the back yard, or basketball together on the driveway. Mariah, a successful actress, remembers the special Saturday morning breakfasts at McDonalds, or going out for doughnuts.
Hang out. Your daughter craves one-on-one time with you. You’re her dad. She wants your undivided attention, and small things make the big difference. Have small rituals together like movie night where you rent a movie and watch it together. Because there’s an unspoken message that registers with her unconsciously through all of this: You matter. You’re important. You are deserving of attention and affection.
OK daughters, sound off. What did your dads do with you that made the big difference?
